John Harrison

Instrument: Guitars

Origin: John Harrison was born in Washington, D.C., on the night Richard Nixon was elected President in 1972. A seemingly trivial coincidence, it planted the seeds of purpose and patriotism in the young boy that grew into the insatiable desire to achieve something great. His diligence earned him full scholarships to each Space Camp program, culminating in joining the first class of the Advanced Space Academy at age 15. While conditioning on the Multi-axis trainer, an envious camper manipulated the machine to spin wildly out of John’s control for eight straight hours. This trauma developed in him a unique form of both acrophobia and claustrophobia, and now his limbs become paralyzed whenever he discerns being more than 20 feet above or below solid ground.

While he is not physically capable of flying aircraft (or swimming), John is an expert in all nautical sciences and can in theory deftly operate any vessel of transportation from hot air balloon to submarine. He is extremely competitive and has competed in the Tour de France, 24 Hours of Le Mans, and the Barkley Marathons. He dreams of winning the Dakar Rally, but he cannot afford the $75,000 entrance fee, which is why he picked up a guitar and started a band. You know, easy money.

Features: A sturdy jaw, blue-blonde eye-hair coordination, and a well-regulated immune system. Sadly, no superpowers.

Interesting Fact: Once met the singer for the one-hit wonder band Tommy Tutone, and he now idolizes him (singer Tommy Heath, for whom John mistakenly believes “Tutone” is his real surname) as one of the greatest and most important musicians of all time. He believes in the spiritual power of the numbers 8675309, and he often makes decisions based on his deep-rooted confirmation bias when they present themselves in his daily life. I mean, the number includes 70% of all ten arabic numerals. Come on, John.