Leroy Stinger, N.P.

Instrument: Bass Guitar

Origin: Leroy Stinger, N.P., was born in Philadelphia around 1880. Little is known of his early life, but

by the early 20th century he was traveling the world studying with the greatest technological minds, and he taught himself to alloy metal and design electrical circuits for building his inventions, most of which were and continue to be effective but cumbersome solutions for minor annoyances: hair-combing machines, electric futons, a machine for descaling Keurig machines (much, much larger than a Keurig). He claims to have invented stainless steel in 1910 when building the prototype for an electric can- opener, but his patent hadn’t been properly notarized. When the American Stainless Steel Corporation sprang up in Pittsburgh three years later, he fought loudly and lost badly for his claim and has been bitter about it ever since. This inspired him to become a Notary Public, a duty he solemnizes to absurdity.

Some of his accomplishments are more impressive. His longevity is due to pioneering work in both microbiology and nanotechnology. In attempting to create an electronic trivia game called “Oath, Acknowledgement, or Attestation?” in around 1970 he inadvertently installed a computer chip of all the world’s published information in his head. He has since progressed the invention to fully interface his brain with all the knowledge of the internet, which is and continues to become statistically ever more likely to be false. This is how he came across the CRISPR subreddit that trolled him into irreversibly altering his head into a toaster. His goal in life is to find the author of that subreddit and take his revenge.

FeaturesA lab coat that can’t and won’t stop, and a motherf***ing toaster for a head.


Interesting Fact: Once got into a drinking contest with Sigmund Freud, and while he lost badly Leroy believes it was unfair due to Freud’s prodigious use of cocaine. He has hated all social scientists since.